This season in my life is such a huge transition for me but I feel like I can find my stride.
I have not worked since June because I have severe degenerative disc disease, herniation in a few discs, bone spurs and osteoarthritis, both in my lower back and in my neck. I've always had poor vision and it's getting worse, a constant source of frustration, I feel so old. To add insult to injury, I'm 52 and I'm beginning to experience some symptoms of peri-menopause. Mood swings, irritability, I'm usually too hot. I piddle when I sneeze. I'm forgetful and my middle is getting really thick. I have age spots on my hands and my boobs hurt. UGH !!
I lived alone for a long time and frankly, I loved it. I'm recently married now to a wonderful man by the way, but squirming as I adjust to living with another person again. So you see, many changes, no work, health is declining, new home, new husband.
Change Change Change !
I find I'm grieving my youth and independence. I've lost my edge. I hear myself say "I want my life back." I want to feel the way I used to. I felt strong, I took it for granted. I had physical stamina. I was able. I was healthy. My hormones ran pretty steady and didn't ask for my attention. Now I keep hearing myself say, "I can't." I've tried to look at the proverbial bright side. Blah, Blah Blah ! I've tried to do things I can't really do anyway, ouch. I've tried to be patient and hope that my former self will return with more attention to diet and exercise, ain't happening ! The voice in my head just keeps getting louder and louder. I'm grieving my youth, I'm mourning my edge, I'm loathing my dependence. Seriously, I can't sneeze without planning ahead. I need something to hold on to and a sturdy undergarment. I'm getting old and it's pissing me off.
" I WANT MY LIFE BACK!" I've tried to keep a positive attitude but the reality of the pain, limited physical ability, and sleepless nights is very real and crowds out any pep talk I try to give myself.
So another approach is what I'm reaching for here. How about this? How about I accept me just as I am in this moment. Focus on what I do have and what I can do. Embrace the new me. The older, mature, wiser version of myself. (stand by for wiser, I'm working on it) I can reach for a new sense of vitality. Instead of teaching Pilates which I can no longer do, I'll take a yoga class, the really gently yoga, with a . . . gag .. . . .sputter. . . .spurt . . . . chair. Ahhhhhh !! Well it isn't easy to try to accept what feels like a diminished version of myself. I'm not as strong as I was, but I can be as strong as I can be. I can embrace my 50's and my limitations. I can stop referring to my limitations and embrace my strengths. Okay, so I can stop comparing myself to others. It's not easy when my Mother is 72 and in better shape than me. Jane Fonda is 72 as well, have you seen her lately?
Okay, I'm trying to be funny to take some of the sting away, but the fact is I'm not young and energetic anymore. I can't do a lot of the things I used to be able to do. Now to be just a little serious about all this. Remember my tag line, embracing change with courage and grace. Sometimes the grace isn't at hand, you have to reach for it. Yoga with a chair is better than no yoga, and I can graduate to "no chair" one day soon. Walking isn't as good as jogging but it's better that not walking. You with me? It's time to slow down and find the beauty in that. Time to find adventure here at home, in my own back yard. Time to write that novel. More than that, I believe in my bones that on the other side of this transition is a warm, intelligent, vibrant woman with much to contribute. I believe that there is much to be learned in the transition. So I will slow down and pay attention.
So I lean into tomorrow with a new sense of what is beautiful. A new sense of vitality that incorporates my new physical reality. I can accept my limitations and find new perspective. So while I may find myself grieving my old self once in awhile, I won't let it keep me from moving forward and watching my life continue to unfold.
I can finally accept the fact that I need surgery. I've feared it for so long, determined to find a way to the other side of the pain on my own. I've given it over a year, I've tried chiropractics, physical therapy, steroids, and traction. There has been no change, and it's only getting worse. So I have an appointment next Wednesday. Who knows? I could actually be hiking and kayaking again next summer. Shorter trips with help I know, but life is good and I'm gonna go get me some.
If you are going through something similar, leave a comment. If you have been though similar changes and you feel you can lend some insight, I'd love to hear from you and I'm sure my readers would too.
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
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