Fall down seven times, stand up eight. ~ Japanese Proverb
I'm trying to shake this fog. I'm in a slump, unmotivated, easily distracted and I rarely get dressed. I've gained weight and I look awful. Christmas was just a few days ago and I'm not a big fan of the holidays. More food choices to navigate and most of them are yummy carbs. Obligations and disappointments if every direction. I tend to hide out. God forbid I need toothpaste on Christmas Eve. I hate shopping.
I've taken a few stabs at having productive days. Some days I shower and dress early only to change into comfy stretch pants later in the afternoon. I pick up a dumb bell and move it around a little, the illusion of a work out I guess. I make to do lists and don't do them. I can make the house appear clean and tidy but my heart isn't in it. What I really want to do is sit and watch Grey's Anatomy, my guilty pleasure. I get it on Netflix or on megavideo. I could just sit all day and watch it and sometimes I do. Anything else I do is just to create the sense that I've done something else, something productive. It's me I'm trying to fool. No one is here to see what I do all day.
I've indulged in feeling sorry for myself lately. I have not been meditating because it just felt like something on my long list of shoulds. The result is my thoughts coming at me like a raging river that has been picking up debris along the way. Trash and discards picked up with the rising waters of a recent storm. Plastic bags, old lawn chairs, one soggy running shoe. When I meditate I make a decision to let thoughts float by my awareness. But I'm overwhelmed so I need to begin again making a decision what goes into the river in the first place. It's like the internet. I surf around and find a lot of interesting things and useful ideas. I Stumble and sometimes land on unknown content and let viruses in. I don't know I've done so until later when my spy-ware alerts me that my computer is infected. I need to run a scan and have the offending programs removed. Time to run a scan on my thoughts, remove the offending programs.
Turns out I'm one of those highly sensitive people who has to be careful what I let into my ear holes, my eye holes and my pie hole. I have to be more careful about what I'm exposed to. I can't watch violence or horror movies, because they sort of stick with me and diminish the integrity of my positive attitude. Scary movies are easy to avoid, but other things that seem harmless upon initial inspection can cause problems too.
For instance when I began this blog, I did it because I wanted to satisfy the creative desire to write. I have things to say, I have a creative itch that needs to be scratched. When I first started out, it was fun and I was fine. Soon after I found an overwhelming source of help and advice on how to be a better blogger, how to successfully monetize and how to ramp up my readership. I got sucked in. I lost my focus and began comparing myself to others both more successful and some less inspiring. I was way off track. I was reading the 7 reasons to do this, the 10 ways to increase that and the 50 ways to be a better whatever. I was stalled, it snuck up on me gradually. Only in hindsight did I see that I'd been infected, picked up a virus. I don't want to buy anything, I don't want to sell anything. I began to wonder if the only people reading my blog or my tweats were other bloggers. I became self-conscious and lost my creativity. I became depressed.
So I scrapped all the useful knowledge and professional input. I purged my e-mail inbox of all the latest advice and free downloads from others who want to give me something free now so I'll buy something later. I don't want to compete with other bloggers, I just want to write. I'd rather be inspired and encouraged. I'd rather have fun.
So with this new perspective and a strong desire to shake the fog, this morning I decided it would be a good day and I would make it happen. I know how to turn a bout of depression around, it's the motivation to actually do it that I lack. Today, I felt like I could journal, you know, write some stuff down and things would change. It's worked before, but if I can't get my attitude adjusted, it won't work. In an effort to switch it up, I changed my venue. I moved my fat ass off the sofa and to the kitchen table.
I grabbed a new journal and I picked up the pen and began scrawling, seriously just sort of free, unfocused writing. I couldn't even read my own writing I was going so fast. I love the tactile feel of pen and paper but I usually have very sloppy penmanship. My thumbs seem to be arthritic lately and a bum disc or two in my neck cause numbness in my fingers. As I wrote I began taking a mental inventory of all the reasons why this was too hard. Then I realized that I didn't really want to journal. I just wanted to fool myself into being able to say I actually did something today.
~ And then something amazing happened.
I sat up straight, it helps align the neck and cut down on the tingling fingers. I gave each letter I fashioned my full attention. I wrote slowly. I formed each letter neatly and with purpose. It became a beautiful thing. I realized immediately that there was a lesson in this. I'd never bothered with neatness because no one else would ever read my journals. I realized that wasn't the point. I realized that I could go through my day giving each task my full attention. Whether washing a dish, folding socks or writing a to do list. I realized I'd been going through the motions of making it appear as if I were having a productive day only to rush through anything that was not Grey's Anatomy just so I could get to the next episode.
The next thing I did was to write down all my physical ailments. I figured I could write them down and leave the complaining on the page and move on in a more positive attitude. I could express my discomfort in writing and be done with it. I'm in pain everyday and it makes EVERYTHING difficult. I constantly hear the words "I can't" in my head. I don't want to entertain that mantra anymore. My desire is to find things I can do.
I can begin again everyday. I can write, I can journal, and blog and focus and be my best self. I can live in the moment and give each task, chore or pleasure my full attention. I've been practising mindfulness, but I discovered a new level of attention today. It's in the details.
For now, I will slow down and give my full attention to whatever I choose to do and it will become a beautiful expression in and of itself. It doesn't matter if anyone else ever sees it.
It's mine and I will make it beautiful.
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