I've been married to my second husband for about a month now. So far it's been pretty wonderful. We did have a little hitch the first week. Dan decided to quit smoking about a week before the wedding while I was struggling with peri-menopause. It was what I like to call the perfect storm. We had a little melt down and recovered nicely. He is still smoking by the way and I'm remembering to take my evening primrose oil everyday. Lesson learned. I'm glad I can make light of it now, it wasn't funny at the time.
Why do I tell you this? Well I've decided that while there are many things I'd like to write about, today I'd like to offer you a little window into who I am and what makes me tick.
I tend to be very private, I don't like personal information about me rolling around out there. Facebook makes me wince, but I do it anyway. So this next level of disclosure in my writing isn't easy for me.
I was horrified once when I heard a woman at a cookout yell across the yard that this was her last kid, she was getting her tubes tied next month. Ahhhhh, way to personal! I was embarrassed for her. I don't know where I get it, fear of being judged maybe. The consequence I think is that most people in my life don't really know me. I'm sure some think they do but it's not possible. I find I'm often misunderstood.
I want to be known and understood, well at least accepted for exactly who I am. If you are going to dismiss me, dismiss me for who I truly am rather than who you think I am. Okay so with that set up in place, I'll tell you just a little about me. Not my life story so don't get comfortable.
A new chapter in my life has just begun, Dan and I were married at a beautiful B&B in Luray, Virginia on October 24th.
I am on a Medical Leave of Absence from my job as a flight attendant. Don't talk to me about TSA, I don't want to hear it. I have a bad back, a new mattress is on the way, I hope it helps. I've been to several doctors over this last year and no one has been able to help me. I don't want to go the surgery route so I think I need to learn to live with it. Yoga, walking and eating well seem to bring some relief. Enough of that tired topic for now. I'm just trying to offer you a snapshot of my life.
I was married young and had four children. After twenty-two years it ended. Much of what ended the relationship was my fault, but I think I can also take credit for most of the success we shared. I was very focused on how I thought things should go, it's not realisitc and it just makes life harder for everyone. I eventually crashed and burned. My former husband was pretty much along for the ride. Nice enough guy, happy go lucky, sweet man. There just wasn't much more to him than that. So ten years ago, about a year after our divorce I left Kansas and moved to Boston to fly the friendly skies. I'd met a man shortly after our separation, I was with him for four years. He was bi-polar and it was a disaster. I fled Boston via the ER and moved to Dallas. I went to massage therapy school during the second of my two furloughs from the airline. I stayed with good friends in Texas for nine months after essentially "dropping my basket". A year later I finally got off the Paxil CR, not an easy task I tell you. By then I was back in Boston and flying again. Long story short, I transferred from my base in Boston to Washington DC. It was time to walk away from the haunting events of September 11th and the relationship that just about sent me over the edge. I needed a fresh perspective and I really wanted to do some international flying which was not available to me in Boston.
In 2006 I found myself living in the far north of Virginia in a cottage in the country alone, lonely and angry. I asked myself again and again , How did I get here? The answer was that I took a few steps in the wrong direction and by the time I realized it, it was too late to turn back. I was feeling like I'd been caught up in the strong current of a fast moving river. Time to grab for a branch and get out of the water. I lived in that cottage for 15 months. With the exception of work and a few good friends, Nina and Alisha, I pretty much spent 15 months alone. I had a few dates, but I really wasn't interested. I even attempted a relationship with a man I became reacquainted with at my 30th class reunion. Good idea, but it didn't work out. And another one who ended up having Asperger's Syndrome. I can really pick 'em huh? Or do they pick me?
I had a hot tub at this wonderful little cottage. It was on the back deck surrounded by trees and sky. From the front porch I could see a rolling farm across the gravel road and a pond. There were deer and geese, squirrels and wild turkey. Hawks and owls, snakes and bats. I even had what I thought might be a muskrat living under the shed. I'd never seen one before, my daughter explained over the phone that if it looked like Punxsutawney Phil, it must be a ground hog. I could walk for miles in three directions, and pick berries just down the road. I was in heaven and it was time to hide out for awhile and heal emotionally. I learned to meditate and spent a lot of time in that hot tub.
All of which brings me to this. I'd like to share with you an excerpt from a journal I was keeping. I highly recommend journaling. I kept volumes during my divorce and when it was time to move on, I hauled an armload to the dumpster and threw them out. Very cleansing.
So this was written when I was 48 on November 21st, 2006. I'm tempted to edit it to make it more shiny, but I'm going to leave it just as I wrote it as much as possible.
Until today my life was a series of reactions and responses. To the parents that I was expected to reflect. The children I brought alongside me. The men I leaned into and found less than the strength and stability I'd hoped for.
Rather today I find my place in the universe my own niche in nature. Finally I belong.
With purpose I draw breath. The cycles and rhythms of my own body find measure in the cycles and rhythms of nature. Only what I see before me is real & magnificent. True is the change of season. Honest is the sunrise. Faithful is the moon. The hawk circles, the geese return, the leaves fall and I find my place.
I stand in what I know to be true and I need no defense. I am embraced.
I find comfort and warmth in this place. Each view framed from the inside is a vignette. Each branch, each piece of blue sky. Still today pink roses bloom.
The bare brown branches against the sky, blue or grey or white are perfect.
My heart sings as the last brittle brown leaves cling alone to the occasional branch.
The sun finds the geese where the whitest feathers meet the water and it's brilliant.
The deer are often near and it pleases me that they pause & allow my presence. They are graceful and cautious.
All I see before me is true and dependable. I can see and hear, smell and feel. The breeze touches me and moves me. I am not alone. From here I can greet each day with purpose. I've found my balance, I've found my center, my grace, my courage. Myself.
and still I yearn for another heart to meet my own. For a voice each morning from the pillow next to mine. To be understood and accepted just as I am by a man who is strong enough. Someone I can learn from. Share this silence, a song, a coffee. The news of the day. Strong arms aound me to celebrate and comfort and encourage. I want to smooth his hair and bury my face in his neck, his chest. I know a part of who I am goes unexpressed without a man in my life.
May I meet your eye and offer you a smile and bring you comfort? Will you hold me close and let me cry and be my strength when mine is gone? Can we work together and laugh together and make love like thunder?
I don't want to be alone anymore.
So there it is, that is where I was and how I felt on that day. It got better and better from there. I'd decided that I could only believe in what I could see, that there was a Crys size place in the universe just for me. All I needed to do was find a way to keep my place. I find stillness takes me there and only stillness brings me back when I lose my way.
note: this was in November, that September I met a wise young woman who led me out of my anger. My life began again. Her name is Murshida Va That's another chapter.
"Your innermost sense of self, of who you are, is inseparable from stillness. This is the I Am that is deeper than name and form."
Wow! Wow! that is written with bold and courage from the heart.. I am still somewhere where you once were, and in time I know I will find my way. I keep asking my self when when? but for now I take it one day at a time. And I am right where you once were, "I dont want to alone anymore." I do understand ladybug more than anyone, I do understand..You are an amazing woman, you give me strength and hope that maybe one day I to can be happy.. Amazing you..
Posted by: Lori Kwek | 12/01/2010 at 04:48 AM
Dearest Crys,
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful story and for acknowledging the power of our relationship for you. I trust you do realize that YOU are the one who led you out of your anger... I only opened a door. You walked through and did what it took to live beyond that place where your heart had been abiding. Whatever power I have as a guide for you is the power you yourself have given me. I am so grateful it has been used wisely-- by both of us!
I am so happy for your happiness and any small part I may have played in opening your way to this beautiful destiny.
Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Much Much Love,
Murshida VA
Posted by: Murshida VA | 01/26/2011 at 10:10 AM